And now there are two of them! I'm outnumbered.
I hear women all over the country groaning..."You're so fortunate...I wish I could stay at home with my kids...I think that would be so wonderful..." I hear you, and I understand you. But hear me out on this. I know that this is the dream of so many women, and probably quite a few men. And I rarely hear women say what I'm about to say. But it must be said. Because I cannot possibly be alone on this. Please tell me I'm not alone on this.
I love my children, but my world does not revolve around them. Because the world will not revolve around them. The four of us living in this home are all working and important parts of the same machine. I have a very hard time adjusting to a life that does seem to revolve around my children, because right now, other than my husband, I have nothing in my life BUT them. I can choose to look at this in a few different ways. Some more optimistic than others. But in the here and now of this moment,
I am having an identity crisis!
I have spent so many years forming an identity. I relate to my career, my friends, my newfound sewing hobby. But all of a sudden I no longer have these things. I do not wake up in the morning to be greeted by a classroom full of the leaders of tomorrow. I am half a country away from the people that I spent time with every day; laughed, cried, joked with. Built an identity with. Texting is great. Phone calls are great. And, really, let's be honest, without facebook I might die. But it's not the same. Knowing that the distance is there makes it ten times greater than it is. At least right now. I unpacked my sewing machine and set it up on my desk, but I can't even begin to think about doing anything with it...there are boxes to unpack and about a million things to do that relate to the new home, selling the old home, or helping my girls get comfortable and acclimated; finding a school, a pediatrician, play groups, parks, libraries...the list goes on.
Somewhere between balancing budgets, grocery shopping, cooking, making lunches, cleaning, unpacking, playing Barbies, dressing dolls, practicing letters, shapes, numbers, etc., and enforcing bedtime (which I am purposely ignoring right now...the footsteps overhead are too loud, too excited, too eager to possibly go back to bed right now...I'm letting them play babies with each other, and I'm not going to feel badly about it) I've lost myself.
I am Jason's wife. And Bella and Sophia's mom.
And while those roles are the most important roles in my life, they are not the only pieces of the puzzle that comprise the whole person.
(The
It is a struggle for me to reconcile the fact that I no longer have an identity that does not hinge on someone else. I admire woman who embrace the role of stay at home mom in all it's glory. Maybe it's due to upbringing or personality. Or maybe it's due to a deep seeded desire to stand on my own two feet, even when I don't have to. Stubbornness? I hate that word!
I think that as a society we've adopted the understanding that being a stay at home mom is work. It is not sitting around in your pajamas all day, eating bon bons and watching daytime television. There is a newfound respect for women who choose to stay at home in today's culture of gender equality and feminism. And there is an equal amount of respect for the women who work full time and still manage to run a household that has some semblance of normalcy. But what about those of us stuck somewhere in the middle? Trying to stay connected to their prechildren roots and independence while juggling every household responsibility known to man? And not really feeling successful in either case.
I'm asking for a bit of compassion for those of us who find ourselves embracing the challenge of staying at home with our kids when our hearts might have a slight longing for our careers. I am asking that you bite your tongue if your first reaction to hearing a woman is now staying home is to say something along the lines of, "I always wished I could have done that." It truly is a knife of judgement. It is a statement that implies that because I might not want to be with my kids 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, that I am a mother of subpar standards. This is inaccurate.
I am a mother who wants to teach her daughters that we wear many different hats. All of these hats are of value and importance. Mother. Teacher. Wife. Friend. Learner. Traveler. Reader. But at the end of the day the most important hat I can wear, and model for my children, is one of genuine happiness and contentment. One that shows my daughters that it is possible to find fulfillment in many different ways, simultaneously. And when that fulfillment falters, it's okay to try something else for a while, even if that means *gasp* going back to work on your own terms.
Here's to the women just trying to maintain their relationships and raise good human beings while maintaining their own autonomy...and sometimes coming up short, but never losing sight of the ultimate goal.
