ineptitude

It has been quite some time since I felt that I was in the wrong profession.  I started teaching my first year in the middle of the year, February 13, to be exact.  And even though that was a challenging year (self contained Reading 9-12 and two blocks of Read 180) by Spring Break I felt good.  I didn't always know exactly what I was doing, and I was winging it a lot of the time, but I felt confident.  This was largely in part to my principal.  If I had an idea, even if it was unconventional, she would buy into it if I was able to adequately support my theory.  This taught me to think outside of the norm, look at what else could be done, and research best practices.  I loved it.  And my confidence soared.  And through the years my test results proved that I was a capable, successful teacher.  (Although test scores are only the tip of the ice berg, in that district, they matter...a lot.  The real evidence is in the e-mails I still receive from former students.)

Today, and quite honestly for the last eight weeks, I've wondered about my chosen profession.  I began my teacher career in a high school.  This wasn't by default.  I knew that I loved English, analysis, writing, and digging deep into a text.  I loved the idea of turning on the proverbial light bulb for my students.  I felt that in middle school there wasn't that opportunity, mainly because they just can't have those in depth conversations.  It's not their fault, they just aren't there yet.  I remember doing some observation hours with a friend of mine who taught 6th grade and saying to her at the end of the day, "I don't know how you do this.  They are so needy."  Maybe this was a glimpse into what would become my reality.  I should have known better than to open my mouth.  

Now, eight years later I am faced with this precise challenge.  And I'm reevaluating if this is the right "placement" for me.  I'm struggling with classroom management in a way I never even dreamed of.  My students don't stop talking...EVER!  They have questions about questions.  They ask me questions about their answers on tests.  They repeat questions their peers ask.  They ask me questions immediately following giving them that exact information.  The talk when I pause to breathe.  I inhale, they talk...to their neighbor, to themselves, to the air in front of them.  Yesterday I was interrupted so many times by blurted out questions that I forgot what I was trying to say.  I tossed my papers on my desk and just sat down.  I'm not sure how to combat this.  There must be a way because my team leader has just celebrated her 20th year at this school.  I remarkable achievement, I have to tell you.  

I just want to teach.  Really.  That's all I want to do.  But the reality is there are always challenges for teachers.  We are always teaching elements of life rather than academics.  And these "extra curricular" assignments are equally important.  In my previous high school I was teaching self confidence to students who read several grades below level.  I was showing students to recognize their successes; passing the FCAT, earning all Bs, and working full time to keep the electricity on at your parents' home all simultaneously.  I was helping students see that what you were born with is not what you have to settle for.  Here, in a very affluent neighborhood, where students have better cell phones and laptops than I do, I'm teaching other life lessons.  Organization.  Time management.  Collaborating with their peers...effectively.  Confidence (in a whole different league).  Self reliance.  Accountability.  Note taking.  AND LISTENING SKILLS!  (This is their number one area of opportunity!)  For a generation (and demographic) that is used to instant and constant gratification, the idea of sitting, taking a test, and waiting several days to find out their scores, is foreign.  They don't trust themselves to read the questions correctly.  They don't want to get anything wrong...ever.  In their eyes it's a failure, not an opportunity to learn something new, either about themselves or the material.  This impacts every aspect of my class.  

I know that teaching these skills has the potential to change the lives of these students.  And there is extreme value in this.  I just don't know if I'm the best one for this job.  I go to work every day preparing, researching, planning, and executing lessons with 110%.  I am always looking to better myself as a teacher.  But these days every evaluation of myself, my classroom, my expectations and lessons, has led me to change these things.  And at the end of every week I'm back at square one.  I don't know if this is a reflection of me, my students, or a combination of the two.  I miss conversations about literature and analyses of characters through song lyrics.  I miss digging through lesson plans and using technology in a way that enhances the learning process.  And I miss my own confidence.  

But when I look at those faces, those eleven and twelve year-old faces that are sitting in front of me, I block out their own insecurities and try to focus on the promise that lays before them.  And I wonder what role I will have in their futures.