3-2-1: What I miss, what I love, and what I've learned

You can take the teacher out of the classroom, but you can't take the classroom out of the teacher.  And so it goes...a 3-2-1 for my present day.

Three things I miss about Naperville (not Chicago, because I didn't actually live there).

1. My friends...this goes without saying, really.  All of my friends; the ones I saw every day and the ones I saw on occasion, but knew they were there.  I miss the laughter and the conversations.  Man, I miss the intelligent conversations...I miss seeing their cars in the Target parking lot and last minute play dates.  I miss the gossip.  And the hugs.  And the familiarity of what it means to have friends.  I miss the security that comes with truly being friends with your neighbors.  
2. The food!  Ugh!  This is so unfair!  I didn't even know what a Portillo's hot dog WAS until I moved there.  And I didn't know that giardiniera peppers make the perfect condiment on everything!  And whoa! Garrett's popcorn is an entity unto itself.  Note to self: order some giardiniera peppers from amazon...stat!
3. A school for my daughters where they are loved.  Academically, I could not be happier with their new school.  I think they have adjusted well and they continue to do well.  I have resilient, bright children (if I do say so myself) and they are proving this day in and day out.  Their teachers like them (one of the VPK teachers commented that she wanted B in her class next year...cue my heart swelling with pride).  But it's not the same.  The hugs are not as warm, the voices not as genuine, the friendships are not real.  My kids are happy to be around other kids, but their new friends pale in comparison to their old ones.  When we FaceTime with Bella's old class I am reminded of this like a punch in the gut.  The sincere happiness and joy that crosses the faces of her old classroom of friends is priceless.  I miss that for them.  

Two things I love about Florida.

1. The pool in our backyard!  Until last week I was on the fence.  I didn't know if it would be worth it...it definitely is!  Especially now that the girls are swimming so well, I know that we will spend many days/nights in there!  I'm trying to forget that we don't really have a backyard (especially compared to our backyard in IL) and focus on the amazing summer we are about to have!  There will be plenty of opportunities to enjoy grilling and warm summer evenings.  It's pretty  awesome.
2. All of the memories we are making.  Yes, some of these are Disney related, but many are not.  Bella told me the other day, "Mommy, I like it better when you don't work.  I get to see you more."  And that's what this is all about.  Making memories, even simple ones, with my family.  Snuggling in bed on a random Tuesday morning, picking blueberries, dusting sand out of the girls' sandals as they adjust to the texture, watching them splash in the waves at the beach, burying their daddy in the sand, staying up way past their bedtime to watch the fireworks at Magic Kingdom...the list goes on and on.  And it is incredible.  

One thing I've learned about myself. 

1. Sometimes isolation is liberating.  Last weekend I was told, by someone whose opinion matters to me a great deal, that I seem very comfortable in my own skin for the first time in a very long time.  This was an interesting observation considering a large part of my struggle since moving has been the unease I've felt about not working.  Couple that with the isolation of having made one friend in four months and you have a recipe for a very strong "woe is me" attitude.  And until the aforementioned conversation, I kind of thought I had that attitude.  But I was forced to see things through different lenses momentarily, and psychoanalyze (with all of my expertise) myself.  

Those of us fortunate enough to find ourselves in the exclusive club called "motherhood" put an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves.  Let me say this again, we put it on ourselves!  Even when we don't want to admit it, we have placed ourselves on a stage of epic proportions.  Pinterest is partially to blame, and social media in general.  But it is, at the core, our own insecurities and imperfections that  push us into this colosseum of competition.  It is the desire to be "good" mothers and raise "good" kids that creates in us an insatiable appetite for cute birthday parties and healthy dinners, when the reality is that my daughters want colorful cupcakes with cheap plastic ring toppers for their birthday parties and raviolis and frozen green beans for dinner (yes, still frozen).  What should drive us is our children's happiness.  Yes, they need discipline.  And yes, they need boundaries.  Anyone who knows us knows that we have both of these in our home.  But, at the end of the day, don't we just want our kids to be happy?

And this is where I've found myself.  At the end of the competition highway, surrounded by the people that matter most to me, striving, with each and every day, to make sure that we are happy.

I  know the name of one of the other moms at the girls' school.  I've attempted, unsuccessfully, to reach out to several of them.  Have I done everything I can to connect with these mothers?  No.  Have I done quite a few things?  Yes.  When the time is right, the right kids will become friends with mine and I will connect with their moms.  But until that time, I've taken a step back.  And, suddenly, with the removal of competition and "keeping up with the Joneses" I've found peace with myself as a mother and wife.

I put "I ♥ you, B" notes in my daughter's lunch box because I know they make her smile.

I make S lunches that include four different silicone cupcake holders in different colors because she likes to have a little bit of everything in her lunchbox.

We make marshmallow snowmen with toothpicks because it makes them smile.

And we play with shaving cream because they think it's hysterical.

I challenge myself to make new,  healthy meals for the sole benefit of the people who enjoy them (even if I do post them on Facebook...I'm proud of them...I've worked hard to create them, and I really think I should be on Hell's Kitchen, if I'm being honest!)

Right now I'm doing these things for no one else's benefit but my kids'.  There's no one else to keep up with.  There's no one to try to match in style or athleticism.  There are no other kids to compare my own to.  Removing an immediate circle of onlookers has given me a very unique perspective.

I tell my daughter all the time, "worry about yourself".  I guess Mommy knows what she's talking about, after all!