The best laid plans

It will come as no surprise to those who know me...really know me...that when I found out I was pregnant with Sophia I was, let's say, less than thrilled.  In fact, the month before (when I had found out I was NOT pregnant) I suggested that we take a break from "trying".  What's that saying, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans"?  Well, there you have it.  God was laughing it up that day (which also happened to be the day before Bella's 1st birthday!)  I think I cried.  In fact, I'm almost positive that I did.  We were in the midst of settling in a new city (4 weeks in our new house; nice little housewarming present, huh?) and I was dealing with a bit of, let's call it, an adjustment.  I had gone from being hired as an opening faculty member for a new high school (with a principal I was VERY excited to be working with) and being entered into the Literacy Specialist pool for Pasco County, to being a stay at home mom.  This was a role I never imagined myself in (come to find out, I really like it...not enough not to go back to work, but I like it.  I'm hoping for a job share in the future.).  And then, just like that, BAM!!!!  God was having a hay day!  But there we were, with no one to lean on around the corner, no friends, winter approaching, and dreary days everywhere!  And you know what?  We did it! A year in, and we're doing just fine.  As it turned out, Sophia was the best thing that ever happened to us as a family.  She gave us roots and stability in a foreign city.  She is the reason our house has become a home.  I guess God knew what he was doing, after all!

The first year has been hard...really hard.  And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying their ass off!  Things I've done this time that I swore I'd never do:

1.  prop up a bottle
2.  take my baby out in public in pjs
3.  let my baby run/crawl/stumble around without socks or shoes!!!!!!!! (this has been a HUGE step for me!)
4.  feed my less than 1 year old chicken nuggets (they were the all natural, breast meat only kind, but still...)
5.  let my toddler "watch" my baby
6.  watch my baby eat sand...and a lot of it, very happily, I might add
7.  let my children skip a bath (Bella even asks now, skip a bath or take a bath?)
8.  let my infant watch television
9.  give my daughter another bottle after bedtime (and brushing her teeth) and putting her right back to bed, without brushing her teeth again (don't say a word...and I actually stopped mid-blog to do this tonight)

The list goes on, really....but we have survived!!!  And not only survived, we have thrived.  Tonight I looked around, past the clutter that fills Bella's bedroom floor (we are still redecorating), and I saw two very happy little girls.  Who love each other more than anything else.

I watched Bella put back her chosen stuffed animal tonight to choose another Minnie Mouse, because that's what Sophia had chosen.  I've seen Sophia chase Bella around the house.  Bella wants to wear "feet" to bed because Sophia is.  Sophia chooses the activities she watches Bella do most, #1 coloring, even though she's definitely too little to do this.  Every single time Bella asks for a snack, blanket, drink, she adds "Maybe Sophia wants a ....."  The other day when Sophia was crying, Bella said, "I think Sophia wants you to rock her in the rocking chair."  Bella's compassion for Sophia and Sophia's admiration of Bella causes my mind to spin when I think of the years to come.  Our girls, although 20 months apart, will be a year apart in school.  This means they will probably share the same circle of friends.  But I don't see that this will be negative.  They love each other, love being around each other.  They've developed a friendship that I've never known.  And to bear witness to this has been worth every ache, pain, self doubt, and insecurity that I've experienced over the last year and a half.

So to say that it's hard having two children so close in age is an understatement to the highest degree.  I am chronically tired.  I neglect my husband.  I don't talk to my friends enough.  I neglect myself.  I've stopped apologizing for the state of my house (it isn't messy, it's lived in).  I don't get out enough.  My laundry and dishes are never done.  There are piles of papers EVERYWHERE in this house.

But, to say that it's worth it doesn't even scratch the surface.